Misunderstood Homophobes May02

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Misunderstood Homophobes

Being a rational -not a known giver of shits- Indian teenager, I sincerely believe that homophobes are mistreated everywhere. I mean, think about those poor people, often criticized for being complete jerks, assholes and other -not so cool- adjectives. What have they done to deserve something like this!? Since when did being stupid become a crime?
To be honest, it takes a lot of guts to come out and admit the fact that you are a complete Idiot. I mean, I am an 18 year old Indian student, acing all my subjects, mugging up stuff and vomiting it on my answer papers three times a year and I have not given a single clue to any of my peers or my teachers or my relatives that I am an exceptional Idiot! So, dear Homophobes, I respect the fact that you are not pusillanimous.

Homophobes are like misunderstood sharks to be honest. They are just trying to help you. According to them, it is obvious that you choose to hang out with people belonging to your own gender because of the fact that you are not really good at scoring points with the opposite gender. Due to the immense disappointment, you tend to give up any hopes of dating someone “for real” and prefer to stick with other “losers” who can’t score points against the opposite gender. This theory is as accurate as it can get. Take a look at Neil Patrick Harris and Ellen DeGeneres, they are like the biggest examples of being ugly and incapable of dating.

They just wish to give you dating lessons so that you stick with the “Laws of nature”. Such nice people.
Recently, I was having a discussion with one of my friends regarding this topic and voila! He turned out to be a homophobe! Can you believe this? – I have a friend, who is of my age, living in the same year, same century, same world as I am, yet he is so vintage! Man! he could give instagram some major inferiority complex with his retro-ness. He hates homosexuals. He hates them because he hates Justin Bieber. He hates them because he finds it disgusting when dudes kiss other dudes. He hates them because hot chicks are dating other hot chicks and he is still single. He hates them with a lot of pain and anger.
I felt bad for him; but being a very genuine asshole and extremely good at it, I could not feel his feels. I chose to enlighten him with some universal truths instead.Universal truth no. 1 – “Being gay has got nothing to do with being a faggot”
(which was shamelessly plagiarized of course)

Universal truth no. 2 – “Stop watching gay porn and stop stalking the gay couple living next door”
(for the humour)Universal truth no. 3 – “Even if those chicks were straight, you would still be single. You are ugly, just deal with it”
(Wiser words were never spoken before)After putting some serious thought into it, for about 5 seconds, he replied “Are you gay bro?” I could see the genuine concern in his voice and that made me happy about the fact that he would still be my friend regardless of my sexual orientation. I was able to enlighten him and he was willing to learn, I did not wish to continue the topic anymore because I figured out that deep down inside, he did not give a shit about gender, love or sexuality. He was worried about bigger problems like getting a real girlfriend and breaking up with his right hand.

People are rarely thinking on their own. They are motivated to think freely, but with the society’s permission. There are no homophobes, there are just people who are ignorant, people who prefer playing it safe. People like my friend, people who are essentially nice, but are blinded by the society’s so-called “law of nature”. It is the duty of marginally smarter beings like us, to remind them that there is no “law of nature” bigger than the “law of humanity”, with a lot of patience, just like the way your crush explained to you why you can never get into a relationship with her.Remember, homophobes are humans too. Just impotent in their brains. We must nurture them and strategically prove it to them that they are being an Idiot. Being a straight guy who supports LGBTS rights can be a really hard task, but again, being someone who likes to “spend the shits wisely” it does not bother me when people raise questions regarding my sexuality. I am not offended when someone calls me “gay” and neither do I use the term “gay” to offend somebody. This is precisely because of the fact that they can carry off swag much better than straight people.How I wish I had some socially acceptable swag.

Love,
The asshole next door.