COMING OUT TO MY MOTHER Jun02

COMING OUT TO MY MOTHER

She was in the kitchen. “Amma, can you come to my room now? I need to tell you something.” “Yes, what is so secret that you want me to come to your room?” “You will understand. I don’t want Achchan to know. Come fast!” Also I figured, kitchen could be quite hazardous for what I was about to do. Once we got it into my room, I closed the door. She found it strange that I’m behaving unusual and was giving a half laugh. “Amma, you may not like what I’m going to say now.” “Is it about your job?” “No.. something personal.” “A love affair?” “No Amma. I’m afraid when you hear it, you may even cry. But don’t make a big scene and let father know.” Those smiles faded away. “Yes tell me, I won’t cry.” “I know you will, but even then I have to say this to you. But before that let me ask you, are you stiff on wanting grandchildren?” “Well.. There is no tenacity that I want grandchildren.” “Then what about my marriage?” “Yes, on that I’m. You need to get married.” “Well.. that’s the problem. I don’t want to get married.. I’m gay.” She drew back in shock. I could see from her face that she didn’t expect this at all. But then she found words to say, “You could be just feeling that. It must be nothing.” “No Amma, this is not just a feeling. This is not something I’m doing on an impulse. I’ve been thinking about how to tell this to you for a long time.” “So what are you? A man or a woman?” “I’m still a man. But it’s that I don’t feel attraction towards gals. I feel that only to guys.” “Is it because of watching all those Friends and Will & Grace?” “No Amma. I had known about this for long time before watching all those.” “When did you start to feel like this?” “Well.. way before my teenage. But that time, I used to think that I could be the only one having this kind of feeling. But when I got internet, I realized that I’m not the only one and that I’m called gay.” “So is there someone?” “No.” “Are you sure marriage is not at all an option?” “Amma even if I do marry a gal, I will not be able to fulfil all her desires. And that is just unfair to her, don’t you think so? Since Indians are not open to talk about homosexuality, many guys will be afraid to tell to their parents. So they agree for the marriage and then without the knowledge of their wives, they continue sleeping with men. I don’t want to betray someone like that. I can never imagine doing that to a person knowingly. There are many instances of failed marriages because of this. Not getting married is much better than ending up in divorce, right?” “Yeah, that’s true.” “You must be remembering that scene from Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd.3 where the husband confesses to his wife that he is gay.” I wanted her to know that this i-am-so-cool-about-being-gay was not something that I achieved overnight. “I have always shared everything with you and Achchan. But this is something I couldn’t, even though I wanted to. When I began to feel attraction towards men, I was first confused. I didn’t want to feel that way at all. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me because my friends were crazy about gals and I wasn’t. There were times when I had been in serious depression. You and Achchan must not have noticed it. But it took me several years to finally accept the fact that what I’m feeling is completely natural.” I then asked, “Did you ever feel even the slightest of indication that I could be gay?” “No..” There was a pause....